I can not organize the thoughts that have consumed all my energy the past few days. I can not explain the feelings that have spun me into this loop of never ending frustration. All I have been able to do until tonight is push things aside and hide. I am at fault for acting as if it did not affect me but tonight I could not prove it.
I am ashamed, I let myself crumble to a place I have been so afraid of entering. Today I let myself open the door and I shamefully walked myself in. I felt like quitting and just going home. How nice would that be? A place where nothing is difficult, with not a worry in the world. I thought that sounded lovely… I pulled the couch out then–laid myself down and everything.
What a coward that girl was today. As I laid looking up at the ceiling the spinning fan stopped and everything became clear once again. At that point I remembered why I was here, which led to the recollection of my motivation.
I am usually much stronger than this. I cried tonight and I have not cried for a long time. I am no longer ashamed but human. I was not alone, there are many others struggling and come to think of it, there are some who suffer much more. I had lost myself in the atmosphere I am now living in, full of hatred.
I got caught swimming against the current and exhausted myself with out a reason.
An angel helped me get through this today, one that has been by my side for quite some time now. She took me to this peaceful place. She reminded me of my blessings. How I am one of the strongest persons she knows. I admire her modesty. I have not been strong by choice.. I have had to be strong because if not I would be another statistic, another misfit. I tried to hide my tears from this angel because I would hate for her to see me weak but when she looked at me I regained strength through her eyes. I am grateful to have met this angel. Especially tonight.
I spoke of my father today.. I spoke of his upbringing and it brought me strength again. I retold the story of my sister whos life was stripped away. I told her story again and I walk taller now as this day comes to an end. I confessed of how I met him and how I found a renewed hope from within. I let the wind know his impact on my life. Before tonight I could not speak of these things. You see I have become the one to be leaned on, so I feel that I need to be strong.
Tonight I spit it out. I cried. I felt weak but now I have come to terms with my struggle and my tears aren’t signs of weakness but signs that I have been strong for far too long.
I guess when things start falling apart the only way to pull it back together again is by keeping her spirit alive. She breathes through me. It is time for me to resurface. Of course it is going to be hard, if it were easy everyone, from the heartless to the less driven, would be doing it. It will all pay off in the end and I will be stronger for it. Like my sister told me from her tombstone not just me but both her and I will get through it.